Our show begins tonight with the debut of the VIP Lounge, hosted by US Champion Montel V. Porter. The Most Vacuous Poser had challenged Matt Hardy to a boxing match for Saturday Night's Main Event tomorrow, but has to pull out for medical reasons (Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome) and has recruited--or should I say bribed?--former boxing champion Evander Holyfield to take his place. Hardy is the guest in the Lounge, and Porter accuses Hardy of lying. Matt reminds that he beat Porter in arm wrestling and a regular match 2 weeks ago, but MVP is in denial. This leads to Chris Masters coming out for a Masterlock challenge.

Match 1: Chris Masters vs. Matt Hardy (Masterlock Challenge) Masters thrashed the VIP Lounge set to clear space for the contest. He locks on the full nelson, and MVP is providing running commentary. Just when it looks like Matt's about to break the hold, Porter runs in and kicks him in the gut. Ref Mickey Henson calls for the bell to end it. Winner: Matt Hardy via DQ for Porter's interference.

Afterwards, as Henson is holding Masters back, Porter hit the Playmaker on Hardy to add insult to injury. He's using his real-life heart condition to get more heel heat, which IMPO is real stupid.

We're reminded of the "Who is Vince's Kid?" storyline. After a break, Jesse & Festus do another video, and Jesse suggests that maybe it's Festus. Silly.

Match 2: Deuce & Domino vs. the Major Brothers (non-title) ECW's Justin Roberts is handling ring announcing tonight as Tony Chimel has the night off.

Very good match, evenly paced. Domino was in trouble early, but things changed as soon as Deuce was tagged in. The champs took control, and cut off whatever offense the Majors had left. Finish saw Brian take the hot tag. A flying forearm netted a 2 count. Brett got rid of Domino, but Brian waited too long to set up the corkscrew crossbody off the middle rope. Deuce ducked, then hit the Crack 'Em in the Mouth. Winners: Deuce & Domino.

Vince McMahon & Jonathan Coachman are in the house, congratulating Teddy Long & Kristal Marshall on their pending nuptials. Great Khali & Runjin Singh burst in. Khali wants his match vs. Kane cancelled, but Long will have none of it. Vince shakes Khali's hand, and has his engulfed by the Punjabi Nightmare. Coach mentions "that time in India", suggesting Khali may be the one (highly unlikely). Vince wishes Khali good luck.


Match 3: Finlay vs. Jamie Noble Finlay felt he needed to defend the cruiser champion, Hornswoggle. He dominated Noble from pillar to post, and had him in the Celtic Knot (Indian Deathlock) when Kane's pyro went off. The Big Red Machine came out, and Finlay met him with shillelagh in hand. Kane struck first, so ref Mickey Henson called for the bell. Winner: Finlay via DQ.

Post-match, 'Swoggle shoved Noble into Kane as Big Red was ready to chokeslam Finlay, so Noble got chokeslammed instead as Finlay slunk away.

Match 4: Chavo Guerrero vs. Shannon Moore. Protracted squash. Moore got in some offense, including a Halo (Whisper in the Wind), but Chavo recovered. He went for the GoryBomb, but Moore countered for a near fall. Chavo finished it with a brainbuster. Winner: Chavo Guerrero.

Post-match, Guerrero put the Rey Mysterio mask he was carrying with him on Moore and hit a frogsplash directed at Moore's left leg, a clear message sent to Mysterio, whom Chavo will face in 9 days at Summerslam.

Batista is out next, and cuts a promo on Khali. From the sound of it, he's dedicating his match at Summerslam to mentor Ric Flair. He is ready to make a promise, but is cut off by Khali, who appears with Singh on the video screen. Singh translates Khali's babbling and says that Batista could make all the promises he wants, but it won't matter. He claims that the vise grip (brain claw) wasn't at full strength when Khali used it last week, and to prove the point, Khali destroys a basketball. Batista isn't impressed.

Backstage, Vince at first thinks Khali could retain, but then Coach suggests that maybe Batista is the offspring, or that anyone could. On cue, Big Dick Johnson, dressed like a baby appears, dancing. Where's Ally McBeal when you really need her? When Vince has his back turned, Coach joins Johnson and gets down, only to stop when Vince turns around. Silly stuff.

Match 5: Mark Henry vs. Frank Carbona Squashola! Henry busted out the World's Strongest Slam, but then went to the bear hug to finish his prey. Winner: Mark Henry.

Post-match, Henry cut a promo on Undertaker, and they showed again the clips of Henry attacking Taker three months ago, interspersed with clips of druids at Death Valley preparing to resurrect the Dead Man. The gong sounds, and when the lights come up again, some sand, presumably from Death Valley, is on the ramp, which draws Henry's curiosity.

Torrie Wilson & Michelle McCool have been selected as bridesmaids for the wedding. Victoria & Kenny Dykstra show up, but they're a day late and a few dollars short. Vic is upset, and tells Kristal that she "just wants my gift". Michelle intercedes. Victoria slaps her, then ducks the return fire, which hits Kenny, her new boyfriend, instead. A quick catfight on the sofa is stopped by Teddy Long, who sets up the next match.....

Meanwhile, Jimmy Wang Yang, Sho Funaki, and Kane all volunteer to Vince that they may be his kid. Kane's having too much fun. Coach wonders if Vince actually might've been in Japan sowing his wild oats......

Match 6: Michelle McCool vs. Victoria (w/Kenny Dykstra) Standard diva match, which means it gets sloppy in spots. JBL called Vic "Elvira", and he & Michael Cole both asserted that her psycho persona is just mind games. Dykstra wasn't much help. Michelle hit a series of clotheslines & dropkicks. Dykstra slid the spit bucket into the ring, thanks to some quick editing, but Michelle hit a missile dropkick, then a top rope clothesline, a la Kane, to earn the fall. Winner: Michelle McCool.

Michelle's top apparently was falling apart, as she had to hold it in place on the way out.

The Triple H video plays again, complete with the dialogue from "The Six Million Dollar Man". With rumors of HHH starring in a movie version of "The Mighty Thor" and Jim Carrey's parody of "Six Million" in limbo, maybe Hunter could........naaaaaah!

Cole & JBL run down the Summerslam card.

Coach tells Vince that he'll cross-check the vital stats on all the talent within the next 24 hours, hoping to have an answer tomorrow night. Howard Finkel shows up, but is quickly dismissed as a prospect. Well, gee, y'think? Vince shoves Fink away, and he & Coach leave.

Match 7: Great Khali (w/Runjin Singh) vs. Kane (non-title) Return match from Wrestlemania 23. This time, though, Kane's ribs are wrapped, selling the effects of the shillelagh attack from last week. Khali barely sold Kane's offense early on, and worked on the ribs throughout the first half of the match. At one point, the champion used a claw on the ribs and the trapezis simultaneously. After 2 corner splashes, Kane went for the chokeslam, but Khali answered with the brain vise and finally brought Kane down for the pinfall. Winner: Great Khali.

After the match, Finlay returned and attacked Kane anew to continue their issue. Batista made the save for Kane and destroyed Finlay with a spinebuster and a spear. He set up the Fighting Irishman for the Batista Bomb, but here comes Khali with a double brain claw, which KOs Batista. End of show.